Here you are, working from home like everyone else, wallowing in self-pity as you consider whether or not you’ll have a job at the end of the week. But that’s not what’s truly important. Paychecks come and go, but you only live once. And today, the only way to continue living is to not touch your face.
How did that feel? Just now, when you read the last sentence of the previous paragraph, did you feel that rush inside of you as you consciously resisted the urge to touch your face? Are you feeling it again right now? You love touching your face, don’t you? Not the incessant fawning, scrawl her name in your notebook with hundreds of little cartoon hearts, ask her to the Homecoming dance kind of love — that’s just infatuation. This is true love. Unconditional. You’ve been touching your face hundreds of times a day for your entire life without even thinking about it, you face-touching old bastard, you.
Now, sit with this feeling. You’re going to be here a while. Everytime you stop thinking about not touching your face, you put yourself at risk of touching your face, and we all know the consequences of doing that. Let’s run through some things you should definitely not be doing while you maintain complete focus on not touching your face:
DO NOT check your 401k
The market is absolutely tanking. Your 10 year retirement plan just became a 15 year retirement plan. If you log on and check how your 401k is doing, you’re likely to gasp audibly, which often triggers you to reach up to your face and cover your mouth. You can’t afford to risk covering your gasp with your dumb, face-touching hands any more than you can afford that month long vacation you were planning for the day after you retire. Those days are behind us now. So don’t go checking your 401k and definitely don’t go around gasping at the shocking losses in the stock market.
DO NOT make travel plans with your mother
Hell yeah flights are cheap. You’re probably thinking to yourself, “Here’s my chance to fly my mother across the country to see me as an early mother’s day present!” Well you shouldn’t be thinking that. You should be thinking about not touching your face. Plus, what’s the first thing your mom is going to do when she sees her son for the first time since he abandoned her for a new city after college? She’s going to touch his chubby little face! And you’re going to have to swat her hand away, likely touching your own face in the process! Dumb ass!
DO NOT take out your contact lenses
You thought switching from glasses to disposable daily contacts would give you confidence, allow you to lead a more active lifestyle, and give you a full field of focused vision. Joke’s on you, idiot. You’re gonna be wearing those babies until they shrivel up and you cry them out.
DO NOT clear your throat on a video call with your coworkers
The rumor mill has already started churning since you stroked your beard during that training call on Monday. Pretty much the entire company suspects you’ve caught the zombie virus, but if you dare clear your throat during today’s “Health and Safety Update” call, there will be no doubt in their minds and you’ll surely be reported to HR. Remember what happened last time you were reported to HR? When you had to explain to the Head of People and Culture that no, in fact, you haven’t been pursposely rushing to the single men’s restroom before your coworker Toby can get in there just to drop a massive, stinky poo that Toby would have to marinade in as he tried to clear his own bowels, did you or did you not touch your face during that painstaking explanation? That’s what I thought. You can’t afford to repeat past mistakes.
Alright, that just about covers the things you shouldn’t be doing right now. Just about everything else is fair game, so long as you remain entirely focused on not touching your fucking face, you dumb piece of shit.
—
Here are some great ways to distract your hands while your mind remains completely focused on not letting them touch your face:
DO learn to knit
Knitting is a great way to keep your hands busy, and there are tons of useful things that can be knit while your attention is on not touching your face. You could knit a hat! Or better yet, knit a hood — one that covers your whole face!
DO tell your friends you can’t make it to that thing
You didn’t really want to go, and they didn’t really want you to come. Instead of sending some lame excuse, just tell them you’re completely focused on not touching your face, and you wouldn’t want to accidentally encourage any of them to touch their faces. They’ll understand. Social distancing is all the rage now.
DO wash your hands
Can’t touch your face with your hands if they’re constantly under a stream of running water. You didn’t use to wash your hands when you finished destroying the men’s room at the office before Toby could get in there, did you? Well, now you can! Always and forever.
In all seriousness, this sucks, y’all. Wash your hands. Be careful about coming into contact with older folks or other immunocompromised individuals, especially if you’re symptomatic. Check in on your friends and family. And don’t be a dick. People cope with these things in different ways, so be kind and support one another…. even Toby.
Did you like this story?
There are 2 ways to help:
1. Donate $1 directly to the author’s PayPal Account.
2. Share the story on social media!
Thought Cellar 
You must be logged in to post a comment.